I miss you. Gods above me I miss you. Not the you who you are now, because it’s not you. That you died a long time ago. The baby whose first word was love, the little boy who thought ninja was a creditable occupation, who called red purple for five years, and who I protected when our parents fell apart.
I miss you, but you’re gone. Maybe you died with the first fix. Maybe it was the second. Fuck, maybe it was the 50th or the 500th. It doesn’t matter, does it? Dead is dead. And you’re dead. Even walking around and chasing that next fix you’re dead. The person you used to be is dead and gone and the person, the man, you could’ve grown into is gone too. I’m heartbroken, because I miss the guy who was my friend and I hate everything that took him from me. I’m so angry that some days it’s all I can do not to sit down and just scream my frustrations to the sky.
It’s really bad when something happens and the others expect me to care – like not just care, but actively try to put out the fires you start or even to stand inside them and burn to ash. I know this story. I was on this ship before with our mother. It’s sink fast and the water’s up to your throat. I tried to drag you into the lifeboat, any lifeboat. I tried with love. Then with facts. Then with yelling until I was hoarse.
Then you attacked me. August 21st, 2019 you attacked me in our father’s kitchen. You were methed out of your brain. I called the cops, because we couldn’t get you to stop. You shouted that you wanted to murder me for calling them. It’s all recorded on the 911 call. The operator’s voice shook a bit as I locked the door and left you outside for the police to deal with. Maybe I was the one shaking, inside and out down to my brain and soul. I don’t know, but that’s the day I realized my brother was dead. The person who he had been was gone and I didn’t even know it.
Now, they expect me not to keep rowing my lifeboat to the shore. The expect me to go down with the ship and I can’t. I barely got off the last ship I was on with my life. This is the same ship as our mother’s. It just has a fresh coat of paint and a new name and a different captain. I tried over and over – I ran around patching holes, making excuse for you, and trying to spoon the water out of the proverbial ship with a goddamn teaspoon.
Of course, they look at me like I’m the pirate. I’m the traitor. Half of them are only half alive from addiction. They make the same doomed laps around the pool – making and breaking promises, tormenting each other and tormenting those who haven’t sank to their level. Of course, I’m the pirate or privateer. I’m the one who doesn’t drink the kool-aid that you have to burn up in the fire of your blood line. I’m the one smart enough to walk away from the dumpster fire.
I’m not walking away from you. Somewhere along the way you walked away from all of us and yourself. I’m not leaving you, because you already left us to chase that high. Let them say what they will about me. I tried until I was literally locked in the bathroom begging a 911 operator to tell the cops to hurry. That was the day I broke. Strings broke apart – stretched at the seams. I miss you, but you’re drowning in who you’ve become and I can’t help you and I won’t go down with that ship.
I absolutely should be writing on Chapter 13 of Omega Rebellion right now. Everyone keeps asking what comes after Claiming the Shaman and I do plan to tell you all – eventually.
Omega Rebellion uncovers the secrets of both main characters: The playboy drummer from the boy band Grim Howlers and Cody, an omega who’s constantly found himself in tight spots.
To be honest, before writing this book I knew next to nothing about these guys. Yes, really. Only I didn’t know it until I started writing. That’s how it usually goes with me and characters.
I knew from the moment Lee Knight walked onto the page he belonged with Bane Hemlock. I just didn’t know how the hell to bring them together. Then I did. Some readers loved it others not so much. Eh… That’s the way of life and I’m okay with that. I’m happy with how Healer’s Oath turned out.
Micah Gilmore and Cody Denton are my distraction and my obsession right now. I’m in love with both of them for different reasons that reads will discover soon. With war looming on the horizon for our beloved Hemlock Wolf Pack they’re going to need all their skills and the aces they’ve hidden up their sleeves.
But what are they distracting me from?
Nothing important. Maybe I shouldn’t call it distracting me as much as I should call it healing me. A lot of you know I unexpected moved across the country at the end of August. Some days I’m still sad about that. I miss my pup more than anything or anyone. Without him I feel like part of me is missing and I don’t know that the feeling will ever go away.
I miss the members of my extended family sometimes, but I’m completely off from them by choice. It was a tough call to make, but it had to be done. In August, a family member who struggled with addiction for years violently attacked me. I’m okay now – physically. Mentally it’s just more baggage to lug around. You know how that goes. I cut ties with the family who continued to support him knowing he has no intentions of getting clean and staying sober. I won’t get into the debate of addiction choice vs. disease, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. When someone is a danger to themselves and others, to your personal safety, you have to cut ties. Just because they’ve strapped a ticking time bomb to their chest doesn’t mean you have to die trying to disarm it while they’re batting your hands away from the control panel.
If you or someone you know need help with domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Writing Saving Cinder was really hard for me. I knew the moment I chose Seth as the next main character (or he stepped forward for the job I should say) it would be difficult and that was before the night everything exploded. I almost scrapped the book after what happened but I decided I needed to tell the story more than ever. I’m not the only one affected by an addiction of those they love. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but I felt I owed Rhett that ending with his brother. It wasn’t Rhett’s story to tell, but he was part of it. Seth’s story affected his in ways that changed him forever. Saving Cinder is the ending I wanted in my life and writing it for my characters helped me more than I could ever say.
Yeah, some days I’m still sad, but I’m moving forward a bit more everyday.
If you see me posting silliness on Facebook when I should be writing or writing without posting just know I’m healing and finding a way forward.
Now that’s off my chest for a bit it’s time to write. Thank you all for you support and love of my book characters. It means more than I can ever say.
P.S. I haven’t forgotten that I still owe you guys a readers Q&A post. It’ll likely be out closer to Halloween.
I should be working on Claiming the Shaman book 6 in my Hemlock Wolf Pack Saga , but my mind is too scattered this morning. It’s one of those days most writers are familiar with. Everyone has them at one time or another, but when chaos erupts they’re more common.
Some of my books have been called wholesome. I don’t mind that label, because I’m the most old fashion about sex in my friend group. I like writing happy endings where the good guys win and the bad guys get their just desserts. That doesn’t always happen in real life and I believe we need it in the places we escape to.
With all of that said I wanted to warn my long time readers that this blog may not be as wholesome as most of my books are. I’ll be covering difficult subjects and messy situations to which there are no easy answers. Real life doesn’t tie up as neatly as a book, unfortunately.
Recently, a friend told me I needed to connect with my readers more and perhaps people in general. I’ve always been introverted and keep a lot of things to myself. The older I’ve gotten the more I find myself surrounded by more words than people. Most days I like it that way. No one can write full time surrounded by people demanding their attention.
As someone who’s always kept my problems to myself in large groups I find it difficult to write about the chaos my life has become this year. Two family members have passed away. Another family member is dealing with addiction and he’s not who he used to be. Most of my other relatives are enablers and think I’m the asshole for not doing the same. I understand that addiction and addiction treatment is a hot button topic these days, but my message to anyone dealing with a similar problem is that it’s fully within your rights to kick anyone out of your life for any reason. You are important and you deserve to be happy. You don’t have to put up with bullshit.
With all of that said how do we write through chaos? These tips may be more aimed at writers who write full time, but even if you don’t write I hope you draw something from them. I’ve always been the sort to ask “How can I turn this bad thing into something good for someone?” It’s my hope that voicing these problems and tips will not only soothe something within me, but help someone somewhere who reads them.
Please note these tips don’t replace seeking therapy or other professional help. If you’re in need of help please reach out to someone trained to help you.
Accept Some Days Suck
Everyone everywhere has bad days now and then. Sometimes they politely wait in line behind a bunch of good days. Other times a bunch of them push their way to the front of the line and compete to be first. There’s a big movement that real writers must write everyday. That’s bullshit. Writing is required to be a writer and if you plan to publish you’ll need to spend a lot of time writing. It doesn’t have to be everyday. If a bad day pops up and you can’t get words on the page don’t sweat it. Tomorrow will come. Take time for self-care and work on other parts of the process: Planning, plotting, cover work.
2.Take Advantage of the Days That Don’t Suck
If your life has whirled into a chaotic mess the days that are less chaotic are to be taken advantage of. Maybe you have the house to yourself and you’re feeling okay. That’s the day to get the words on the page. Even if you hit your normal word count goal see if you can get more onto the page. These days are your secret weapons against the chaos. Extra words help make up the difference.
3.Don’t Wait For Inspiration or Motivation
This is common advice for all writers, but where chaos rules you might not find motivation easily. Tack up your long term goals for you book or series or whole writing career somewhere you see them everyday. Focus on them. In a lot of cases, they can be the lighthouse in the storm. We all need those lighthouses.
If you’re life is particularly chaotic you may want to make sure you set aside time to plot your novel. I know pantsers everywhere are rolling their eyes at me, but bear with me while I explain why you need a plot to write through chaos. Being creative can be hard if things are upside down for whatever reason. With a plot you know what you’re going to write each day. You can tweak it as you go, but it gives you something to focus on.
4.Tell Haters to Shut Their Mouths
There’s nothing worse than going through hell and having everyone else point out why they think your writing, story, book, or whatever is useless. Tell them to shut up. Seriously, I know everyone says keep your head high and ignore them, but honestly if someone is really toxic in your life you need to kick them out if you can. If they’re generally okay in most situations, but still tear down your dreams – that’s toxic. I’m talking about the friend who worries about if you make enough money to live. I’m talking about the haters who just run their mouths for whatever reason. Maybe they think they’re not good enough or that if you do great at something they’ll have to do something too or they’ll look bad. Just cut to the point and tell them to shut their mouths. I don’t mean go online to reply to bad reviews or anything like that. This is in your personal life. Bad reviews happen to everyone. Don’t even react to them. Once your book is in the public people can think whatever they want to about it.
5. Prioritize Your Goals
Maybe the chaos in your life isn’t brought about by other people. Maybe it’s your health. Maybe you need to pick up healthier habits or quit smoking to improve your health. I’m not going to lie these things take time and energy, but the good thing about them is that you can quit smoking while writing a novel. You can find time to write between working out and meal prepping. We find time for the things that are important to us. Sure, maybe we have to cancel that Netflix subscription or uninstall our favorite game for a while, but if you want writing to be part of your life it needs to be in your top 5 priorities.
6.Work Out Your Issues
While we can’t make anyone else do anything (get clean, get healthy, be positive, etc.) we do get to make choices about ourselves. If you need help getting someone out of your life or letting go find a therapist. That’s literally what they’re there for. If you need help getting healthy ask your doctor or join a support group.
If you have fear of failure or are haunted by imposture syndrome figure it out. Everyone has their issues, but if you want to move out of chaos you have to understand and work with your demons.
7.Don’t Turn Your Novel into a Journal
It’s okay to leave pieces of yourself behind in a novel, but not your life story event for event. Have an addict family member and you want a side character to give your beloved MC hell? Sure, they can be an addict, but don’t make it a journal. Let life inspire you, but from personal experience making a novel based too much on your own life never works out. Yes, there are exceptions, but not everyone is an exception.
I’ve read first drafts by fellow writers and my own that are just too journal-like for publication. When we write about something we’re too involved with emotionally it’s hard to create likeable characters. Sure, everyone character doesn’t have to be likeable, but your main character should more or less. If you’re living vicariously through your main character and torturing another character, but the motive isn’t plain for your character (it’s more yours than theirs) it doesn’t make sense in your book.
It’s okay to succeed out of spite. It’s okay to kill off a character named after your ex-fiance or evil aunt, but don’t let your personal feelings override the logic, character development, and plot of your book.
8.Please, Please, Please Finish Your First Draft Before You Start Editing It and Picking it Apart
You can polish up a bad first draft, but you can’t publish half a book. When things are hard it’s easy to pick apart everything we do including our writing, but please don’t fall into this trap. There’s no need to torture yourself. Get your story onto the page and then clean it up. Find a plot hole? Start a separate document and record it there. Name it something like “Draft 2 notes” and move on.
9.Lean on Your Support System
It’s easy to hide under the blankets and not talk to anyone when all hell breaks loose and it’s okay to do that for a while. Sooner rather than later you need to reach out to your real friends. Let them know what’s going on. If there’s something reasonable you need help with ask them. If 2019 has taught me anything is that your friends want to help you more than you think.
10.Remember Nothing Lasts Forever: Chaos Included
There will come a day where you look back and are amazed at what you’ve overcame. Seriously, think back to other hard times you’ve went through. Sometimes you need to make hard changes, but you’re going to be okay.
Keep writing. Write out of passion, desperation, love, hate, or hell, write out spite to show the bastards they can’t keep you down. Whatever reason you find, if you love your craft, please don’t quit writing. Someone out there is waiting to read your book.
I think the title of this blog reflects my current ability to title works of writing. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and drama and word counts. A week that’s made me think about writers and addictions. It’s almost like the chicken and the egg question.
chicken and egg
As any of my long time followers (from FB and other places) will know I quit smoking on January 13th of this year. I used nicotine gum as my form of nicotine replacement therapy. It’s more than three months later and I’m still on it. I’m working on cutting down and every time I do I have the symptoms all over again of quitting. I know a lot of people would say just go cold turkey! It’s only 24 milligrams of nicotine a day. Not all of it even makes it into your bloodstream. Quitting cold turkey isn’t for me at this point. I won’t bore you with all the reasons why. Protecting my quit is very important to me. It’s my biggest will power accomplishment ever. Yes, this from the woman who writes everyday most of the year. Writing is easy. It’s not writing that’s hard. Even when I need to take a break.
All of this thinking has made me add a topic of writers and addiction to my to blog about eventually. It’s everywhere. You see the jokes about full ashtrays and a million empty coffee cups. Sometimes it’s wine glasses. I don’t really drink. Maybe a glass every year or two. So, that’s not my poison of choice, but it’s out there. Not all writers have any of these addictions, but it’s prevalent enough to acquire memes to support the stereotype.
Yes, I wrote more before I quit smoking. Yes, it was easier, but going back isn’t an option for me. So, I can only go through the process of quitting. I’m a little less than 8k words away from the finish line of my 50k Camp Nano goal. I don’t need cigarettes to write, but I do miss them. I wrote 2,091 words today. Now, I’m off to embrace the fog of nicotine withdrawal until my brain adjusts or tomorrow morning arrives to clear it for a little while.
Maggie Hemlock Books 